I Am a Citizen of the Twilight Zone
I’ve just returned from five very intense weeks of work in Darmstadt, Germany, and nine days of very intense eating in Andalucia, Spain. I’ve been to Spain three times prior to this trip, but never have I spent any significant time on the Spanish coast. What an absolutely fantastic place to spend a few days after a lengthy stay in Germany.
My return flight to the states landed me right-smack-dab in the middle of The Red State—Dallas/Fort Worth. If there’s such a thing as the wrong place for someone like me to repatriate, DFW is it. Coming back to the country in which I’ve lived my whole life should not result in the culture shock I just experienced in Texas. DFW airport is populated exclusively by the stereotypical American whose actual existence I’ve been passionately denying to friends and acquaintances during my time abroad.
- First observation: Americans sure like their flag. There are flags affixed to just about every surface of the airport. In the event that a ‘forner’ casts a wayward glance to an ‘unflagged’ surface, it’s possible they might forget what country they’re in, and we wouldn’t want that, because…
- Second observation: …visitors to the “land of freedom” are instantly treated like criminals. Virtually everyone in the non-U.S. citizen line was complaining about the fact that they had to be fingerprinted, even if they were just passing through the U.S. on their way somewhere else (i.e. they wouldn’t leave the airport).
- Third observation: Americans are fucking fat. Want to pick an American out of a crowd? Just look for the strongest gravitational field. Note: cheesecake-on-sticks and cinnabons get sucked into this gravitational field at very high velocities. Use caution.
- Fourth observation: Americans have absolutely no business making fun of the beret-wearing French or turban-toting Arabs/Indians, because cowboy hats are nothing but goddamn clownwear. Period. And on that note, what’s that our commander in chief is wearing?
- Fifth observation: at the entrance to Terminal A, I noticed a special area for firearms deposit/check-in, and only then did I realize that pretty much anyone outside the airport doors could be packing.
Yee-mother-fucking-hah, kemosabe!
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9 responses
Comment posted at 01:17 on Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Most self-styled patriots are abysmally ignorant of proper respect for the flag, as laid down in the
United States Code, Title 4, Chapter 1, section 8.
It explicitly disallows the use of the flag as apparel or advertising. And the proper way to dispose of a worn flag is by burning…
BTW, I love your use of Zapf’s Optima on the site.
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Comment posted at 07:16 on Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Yes, the Costa del Sol is a great place. Mind you, one doesn’t hear the word “dude” nearly enough around here these days.
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Darin
Comment posted at 00:43 on Friday, November 12, 2004
Yee-mother-fucking-hah? Now that is somthing I would like you here you say in person!
d
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Comment posted at 11:10 on Friday, November 12, 2004
DFW is a nightmare for anyone passing through. I hate that airport with a passion and avoid it at all costs. I’m actually they didn’t throw you into the ‘he’s the same color as the terrorist’ line.
Good to have you back, but, uh, where is your flag lapel pin?
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Comment posted at 11:38 on Friday, November 12, 2004
Fazal—Optima rocks. I take it you’re on OS X?
Matt—come visit. Surplus duuuude here.
Darin—just said it. Out loud, even.
Greg—lapel pin? LAPEL PIN? The bastards made me tattoo the stars and stripes on my shoulder! (They had to remove the crescent moon and sword first.)
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Niall
Comment posted at 17:10 on Saturday, November 13, 2004
Welcome back to civilisation dude. Will you miss the Schweinshaxen? How is the birdy enjoying Santa Cruz?
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Comment posted at 10:16 on Monday, November 15, 2004
> cowboy hats are nothing but goddamn clownwear
HAW! Way to go, Pardner!
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Comment posted at 07:39 on Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Re: the Village Voice article:
Like my cowboy friend used to say, if he doesn’t know the Ten Steps to Better Artificial Insemination, he’s not a cowboy.
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Comment posted at 21:34 on Tuesday, November 30, 2004
See! These are the sort of entries I missed while I was away.
Seriously, is that how other Americans view their own culture? I don’t mean this in a negative way because in Australia we do get the stereotypical view you just described through the media (choose your poison).
I met a few U.S. citizens whilst I was away and 9/10 were polite and genuinely nice persons. However when we were on a pretty intense and beautiful walk, over the other side of a ridge we heard some VERY loud people talking to each other. Turned out they were some very obnoxious, U.S. citizens exclaiming loudly how they didn’t like Australia. And they had the gall to trash Australia in front of two Australians. All but one of the party of 6 were wearing an Akubra (Australia version of acowboy hat).
All I could do was sneer and hiss at them and continue at a brisk pace.
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