El papa’s Got A Brand New Bag
At a gathering of friends a few years ago, it was mentioned that the ritual for electing a new pope involves tapping the dead pope’s forehead with a silver mallet. A few days later there’s the bit about the white smoke and/or the black smoke from St. Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican. The recently-passed pope has apparently arranged for the destruction of a Fisherman’s Ring, perhaps in the fires of Mount Doom.
The first real Catholic mass I attended was in 1997, when I went to see the Vienna Boy’s Choir in Austria. That I never saw the Vienna Boy’s Choir (they’re hidden above and behind the audience, I assume to protect them from the Michael Jacksons of the world) is beside the point—what I did see was one of the most amazing spectacles I had ever witnessed in my life. Grown men wearing white and gold robes and two-foot tall hats paraded around a stage, swinging a smoky metal ball around, chanting in Latin. It struck me as odd that this vaudeville act came from an institution which sent missionaries to remote corners of the world to “civilize” the savages. Hey, if prancing around in heavily starched pajamas, swinging ash into the air, drinking the blood and eating the body of Christ, and tapping dead people’s foreheads with a mallet sounds like civilization to you, I’d say you’ve been hitting the Kool-aid pretty hard.
As you can perhaps tell, I’m not a particularly religious person. I spent most of my formative years immersed in various flavors of Christianity, and while I understand and fully respect the value Christianity has for others, it’s just not for me. I’ll avoid explicating that statement in order not to offend anyone.
Instead, I’ll offend you by offering some sense of the extent to which all this dead pope brouhaha has infiltrated the same brain space as all the pop culture detritus I can’t seem to purge from my head. For the past several years, whenever I’ve seen images the ailing pope hobbling around, for some reason I can’t help but think of the (other) supreme ruler of the galactic empire, Emperor Palpatine, aka Darth Sidious. Maybe it’s the fact that the cardinals, often dressed in red and black, bear a passing resemblance to the Emperor’s Royal Guard. Maybe it’s my suspicion that El papa’s sceptre has a hidden switch which —shazam— transforms it into a lightsaber. I mean—take a look at this image. You can imagine the John Williams orchestra warming up while the crowd awaits the arrival of the Imperial Shuttle. Somewhere outside the Vatican walls, a small rebel strike team is trying to bring down a shield generator.
I’ll tell you one thing, though—it’s no secret that attendance in Catholic churches has been dropping precipitously in the last few years. The Good Church™ could increase attendance tenfold if the next pope chosen by the mallet-tapping Jedi cardinal council possesses a high midichlorian count and can shoot blue lightning from his fingers.
As an aside, I’m sooooo going to hell for writing this entry, aren’t I?
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20 responses
Comment posted at 22:48 on Thursday, April 07, 2005
Not funny … but really funny.
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michel
Comment posted at 00:47 on Friday, April 08, 2005
I think that when you say “I’ll avoid explicating that statement in order not to offend anyone.”, you show a major difference between us atheist and most god-believers: respect versus proselytism. And in fact I would like you to explain the statement 
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Comment posted at 03:36 on Friday, April 08, 2005
My sentiments exactly (in regards to the post - not the preceeding comment because I don’t know what p-r-o-s-e-l-y-t-i-s-m is, let alone how to say it or use it in a sentence).
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Comment posted at 03:42 on Friday, April 08, 2005
There’s something very primitive about all of it. The fact that the guy needs to get wacked a few times in the head with a little hammer and only gets pronounced as “truly dead” when he doesn’t answer to his name being called out is just a little too wacky for my tastes. To each their own. Cerimony and ritual has its place in things, but like the alter boy said to the priest, it leaves a bad tast in my mouth.
Sorry - had to.
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Comment posted at 06:45 on Friday, April 08, 2005
If the Vatican had a few AT-STs in the parking lot, I would become a devout Catholic this afternoon.
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Comment posted at 09:47 on Friday, April 08, 2005
You know, this gets me thinking, someone needs to create a Star Wars-specific wiki.
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Patrick
Comment posted at 09:58 on Friday, April 08, 2005
As a Catholic, here’s a few thoughts:
*This time they decided NOT to hit the pope on the head with a mallet. However, they did still call him by his given name (Karol) to make sure that he’s dead. Given advances in medical science, this seems unnecessary.
*The purpose of missionary work isn’t to civilize the savages, it’s to _evangelize_ the savages. If you have the truth, you want to share it. Good missionaries incorporate as many elements of the local culture as they can into the Catholic teachings and liturgies.
*Aside from the drinking the blood/eating the body, the things you mentioned as uncivilized are simply vestiges from a far older time. Kind of like neckties. They speak to the fact that this religion has been around for over 2000 years.
*The Darth Sidious bit is hilarious. More irreverent than sacriligious.
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Karl
Comment posted at 12:29 on Friday, April 08, 2005
Serves me right for not clicking on the link above mine!
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Comment posted at 14:43 on Friday, April 08, 2005
Michel—maybe in a future post. We’ll see how long it is before I’m hit by lightning or taken out by the Vatican mafia. I wonder if they’ll wack me with a candle snuffer and stuff my body in the trunk of the Popemobile.
Patrick, the difference between the act of “civilizing” and the act of “evangelizing” is negligible to me if the basic assumption for the latter implies that the evangelizees, if you will, are lacking some fundamental truth—a truth the evangelizers possess. How is a missionary dishing out so-called truth to people who, in those terms, are basically living a lie any less offensive than colonialization or other “civilizing” endeavors?
Anyway, the point of this entry was Darth Pope, not bashing missionaries, and I’m glad that shone through.
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Blue
Comment posted at 16:42 on Friday, April 08, 2005
I know a few missionaries that went to Thailand, and they use local legends to evangelize. Also, they don’t use the bible because it isn’t culturally relevant to people over there.
Thus, I don’t get what you mean when you call it “living a lie”. The “truth” that you are bashing is basically “be moral”.
Also, the difference between evangelization and colonization is that evangilization only works on the willing, and colonization is forced conformity.
Wait, is it only legitimate if its hyper exclusive, that anyone who wants to join needs to jump wthrough hoops to get involved? That’s like saying that charities shouldn’t be able to advertise because their influence is opressive. But then again, I guess that goes with your whole “synapse, oculus, mandible” design.
I mean, god forbid that anyone should be compelled to be a good person. That’d be just mean.!
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Blue
Comment posted at 16:43 on Friday, April 08, 2005
Whoops, typos. : (
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Comment posted at 11:57 on Saturday, April 09, 2005
Damn Blue, who took the jam out of your donut?
I don’t recall Narayan say that he is opposed to Catholic Missionaries teaching people to be moral. All that he said is that Catholics have enough obscure rituals and superstitions to make many so-called “pagan” religions look rational.
Also, missionaries did a lot of commandable charity work over the years, but to claim that what they are teaching is just “morality” is stretching it.
// needless to say, this post is hillarious. And true. You need to write for Jon Stewart 
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Comment posted at 19:12 on Monday, April 11, 2005
Good one. Scary how much the Galactic Empire and St. Peter’s looks so similar. As far as I’m concerned, Jesus Christ said “peace on Earth, good will toward man” … not Catholics. And the big hats/pajamas thing, that’s just scary.
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Blue
Comment posted at 19:37 on Monday, April 11, 2005
Actually, yeah protestant here. Thus, I agree. Woot.
Although, I’m sure the pajamas are comfy.
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Adam
Comment posted at 14:39 on Thursday, April 14, 2005
The silver mallet thing is a media story…not at all true. This is coming from a devout Catholic (who finds you funny anyway) who heard it from an expert on Papal selection, who interviewed the doctor who was there the last time around, so…
As Fulton Sheen once said, “there are less than a hundred people in America who actually hate the Catholic Church. It’s the millions who hate what they think it is that are our problem.”
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Comment posted at 06:47 on Friday, April 15, 2005
I’ve always wondered why so many people make fun of people who are religious. Part of me thinks it’s pretty plain and simple - being religious isn’t cool. End of story.
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Dave
Comment posted at 18:24 on Thursday, April 21, 2005
Why knock the traditions of another religion that you obviously do not comprehend well..
Making jokes with correlations with Star Wars, Well thats George Lucas’ vision loosely conceptualized on the catholic order.
Stranger to me is are the eastern religions i.e. Hindu ~, which maybe you have an understanding.. Whats with the eight armed elephants ? And the holy temples devoted to Rats ?
note* that may sound as close to your comment was in reference to catholicism..
God Bless the Catholic order and long live the papacy..
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eric
Comment posted at 14:54 on Sunday, April 24, 2005
None of that Darth stuff, with this new guy. Archbishop of Munich, Bavarian Illuminati, a Catholic Diogenes, with his illuminated light, searching for an honest, orthodox catholic man—no women need apply, no liberation theologians, just old fashion fourteenth century mysticists. Anything less, don’t assimilate, excomunicate.
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